I won't even waste my breath (text?) on American Idol since everyone was boring except for Chris (fuckmepleasethankyou) and Elliott and it's too bad because his face is TRAGIC. I'll also abstain from Project Runway talk because last night's episode was nothing other than a jerk-off since the REAL finale will air next week. I could talk about LOST and how we got more information in this episode than possibly all effing season. But I won't. Instead, I'd like to talk about gay porn because, well, because it's awesome.
I recently joined DeliverMale, a DVD rental service similar to Netflix, but, obvs, for gay porn. My first video, "Guys Gone Wild: Frat Boys" should be arriving soon. Not that I couldn't just go down to Frat Row at Maryland on any Thursday thru Saturday night and see the exact same thing, but sometimes we just want to engage in a little voyuerism from the comfort of our own sofa while eating Cheetos and drinking 8 dollar champagne sparkling wine. Pretty much anyone who knows me knows I am all about the man-on-man and I have no qualms letting people know that yes, I watch gay porn and yes, I have a hard drive full of Sean Cody. But when it comes time to explain why, I tend to sound about as lucid as Paula Abdul on a bad Ambien binge.
How can I best articulate this without repeatedly using the words "completely hot"? It seems totally obvious why anyone would want to watch gay porn - the mens - but apparently that's not good enough. When I try to explain that two or more hot men > one hot man, people still look at me like I've got one nostril or something. I mean, I could give you my "I went to college" answer - "As sexual beings, we enjoy seeing others sexually aroused and it is much easier to tell when men are in a state of arousal since there is usually blatant physical proof." That proof, of course being a boner and the subsequent "buckets" as Josh calls it. (Sidenote: Why do people say "buckets of cum"? "Buckets and buckets of cum" That just so effing gross ! Why not, as Josh suggests, "teapsoons upon teaspoons"? Yeah that is a little less grand sounding, but I just get really creeped out by the thought of a literal bucket filled with jizz.) The "proof" in straight porn - horrid sounds of "ectasy" that those heavily made-up women make rank high on the "Sounds That Make Me Wish I Were Deaf" list, up there with Hilary Duff's singing voice and any song by Linkin' Park. Also, the guys actually look like they want to be there. Women in straight porn have a look on their face that says "So, I've got to do my laundry saturday, go get my oil changed and pick up my dry cleaning and did I put new batteries in the smoke detector? God, when is this incessant humping going to be over I've got better things to do with my time."
But when I try telling all of this to someone and I end up defaulting to the "It just so totes hot" argument.
I don't even know WHY I have to explain this to people... I mean, the titles alone are enough to reel you in:
Splendor in the Ass
Better than My Girlfriend
Back to the Crack: Butt Munch 2
8 Simple Rules for Doing My Son
Too Damn Big
I would include some of the hilarious covers, but you see, I'm at work, and while I have a general disregard for rules like the dress code and alloted lunch time, I don't think editing and viewing porn box covers is something I want to flirt with seeing as I really have it pretty nice here, not doing much for pretty good pay. I'll only go so far in my insouciance.
Further Proof I am Really a Gay Man | permalink